Adele Richards is an amateur parent of two exceedingly fabulous little girls. Once upon a time, in a galaxy far away...
22 October 2012
Dear Mrs Richards,
Thank you for your order of “My Life Story – the complete works from start to finish.”
With our award-winning future-date-capture technology we have captured every moment of your life from conception* through to today and beyond.**
* the conception section has been deleted as it has been deemed unsuitable for family viewing
** please note this letter should not be taken as proof that you have a ‘beyond’ and you won’t be run over by a bus in the near future.
This is not just your past but your present and future too. All of it. In your very own DVD series. It makes Facebook’s Timeline idea look rather silly now, doesn’t it?
Future-date-capture technology is a new science and we’ve created some helpful hints for customers. Please take these suggested Do’s and Don’ts into consideration on receipt of your Life Story DVDs.
1. Don’t fast forward to the end. Your end. To see how it all ends.
a) It might be a total snooze-fest when you die in bed at the age of 97 while knitting a tea cosy and eating a custard cream.
b) It might be traumatic. And you don’t want it to put you off taking that bungee jump in 2045. (No matter how badly it turns out).
2. Don’t rewind to past years for the sake of winning a longstanding argument with your spouse.
a) It will show once for all that it was you who left the door of the rabbit hutch open that time.
b) Nobody needs to see what happened to Flossie FluffyMcFluffkin in her final moments.
c) This happened in 1995. Let’s just try and move on shall we?
3. Don’t fast forward through all your most stressful times.
a) There may not be all that much left to watch.
b) If you just watch the past easy, comfortable, fun times you may end up shouting at the TV. For example; “Enjoy it more you idiot – it’s not going to last long.”
“Don’t complain about the hotel room service…YOU’RE ON HOLIDAY. ABROAD. Sheesh.”
“Yes have the dessert. Always have the dessert. You’re young and skinny. You should see yourself now, you’re blubberific.”
4. Don’t search through your childhood years to find evidence that your parents ruined you
a) Yes it’s true they didn’t notice when you ate coal from the fireplace even though you belched soot for 3 days afterwards.
b) Yes your dad’s black sock and summer sandal combo did make you the laughing stock of the entire school.
c) But you might want to make yourself some wiggle room and allow parents to be less than 100% perfect. (Fast forward to your own parenting years and ask yourself what you were thinking when you let your 2 year old play with that box of matches, the hamster and the flame thrower.)
1. Press pause a lot more often.
a) In the midst of the craziness, relax, it’s not always going to be crazy.
b) Yes, people always tell you to enjoy the moment when you have small kids and you want to poke them in the eye with a fishfinger and tell them that in the last 3 minutes your child has managed to stand in dog doo, get her head trapped in the car door and bite the head off her sister’s Barbie and how exactly are you supposed to be enjoying that?
c) But there’s also the moment you look up at teatime and see them at the table in their pink fairy wings and tiara. Press pause. And smile because there will come a time when they won’t want to do that. (Although your husband is 45 and he should really have grown out of it by now.)
2. Rewind and remember the amazing God encounters and prophecies you’ve had.
a) We don’t quite understand how this aspect of the technology works yet. But if you dwell on a powerful time with God and on words he spoke over you, you start to experience it all over again in the present. We call it the power-recall- function.
b) And we’ve noted that if you thank God for past things it affects how you feel in the present. Even though it was years ago. We call it the past-thanks brings present-hope feature.
We hope you enjoy watching your entire life story. Of course if you decide to watch the whole thing, at a certain point all that happens is you watch yourself watching TV. Then you watch yourself watching yourself watching yourself on TV.
At this point we suggest you take a walk. Or a shower. Or stick a fork in your eye.
Simply call our order line phone number 0800 939 456 to arrange delivery of the crate(s) of your Life Story DVD series.
If you still want to, that is.
Head of Dispatch and Warnings
Future-Date-Capture Technologies Ltd. Inc.
This archived article was written by Adele Richards for release in Oct, 2012. Circumstances and situations may have changed regarding the author, locations and ministries. This content may therefore be outdated or misinformed.
Sign up to receive a periodical digest of some of the best content from this magazine.